My Beautiful Blessings

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As I laid awake last night in my bed, with my husband lying next to me asleep, in the dark with thoughts racing through my head unable to fall asleep I had to remind myself that I had felt suicidal the last three days, despite the beautiful blessings I have in my life.  I couldn’t come out of it.  Then… yesterday, I woke up energized, ready to conquer the world, ready to take my children to school and get packing as we are in the process of moving, then head out to a girl friends house, then to dinner and had seriously contemplated going out after diner to enjoy the weather.  Instead I went out and came home convinced that I should try to sleep as I know that today I had planned a very busy day for us.  Heading to what my children call the “airplane park”, then lunch with my mom, then a festival close to my house, then home to do some more packing.  My husband and a close friend of mine mentioned to me that I was talking a mile a minute and seemed very happy and was planning a lot.  Still, I thought no, this will be great.  So, last night I came home instead of going out to enjoy the weather, I walked into the house at 9:07 p.m.  Once inside I realized I was too excited to sleep, so I made a small snack, came downstairs and did some work from home.  At about 10:15 I went upstairs to take my medicines and to try to lay down.  As I lay next to my husband all I could do was lay awake thinking and counting my blessings.  Yes, I know I was experiencing mania, but I do have quite a bit to be grateful for.  My children are pretty healthy, my son has special needs, but he is happy and doing well in school.  My daughter is also doing very well, she is four and wonderful.  My marriage is surviving mental illness, which is incredible.  My family is supportive, as are my friends.  If you had asked me a year ago if I would be dealing with all of this right now, I wouldn’t of believed you.  But here I am today dealing with Bipolar 1, willingly getting help.  As I laid in bed awake it was hard not to think about that day about 3 weeks ago.  I had been manic for about four days and then I broke.  I snapped and couldn’t control it.  It was an out of body experience.  Which I have had before, but this time I could see it a little bit better.  I knew I needed help.  I am reminded today that I have many many wonderful blessings in my life.  Including the willingness to get help for my Bipolar 1.  I have to remind myself daily, that this is ok, and accept it piecemeal.  It’s hard, some days are harder than others, but it’s doable.  I am grateful for the people who continue to remind me that it’s ok.  Someone reminded me last night to enjoy this one peaceful moment, even if that means it’s only for 2 seconds or 5 minutes.  I struggle to do that.  I hope one day I can learn to pause in those moments.  Right now I am grateful for my beautiful blessings. 

 

With love,

Me

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