Today Is The Day

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When I woke up this morning I stirred around for a few minutes in my comfortable bed and said good bye to my husband as he was leaving for work.  I enjoyed some peace and quiet for a few moments.  Really hearing the birds chirping out of our bedroom window.  Feeling the sheets against my skin.  Smelling the coffee, the coffee I needed to make still.  As I laid there, I remembered that I had quite a busy day.  Including a visit with my psychiatrist and a visit with my therapist.  As I laid there thinking about those appointments I started to think about the past, the present and the future.  I started remembering how just a few short weeks ago I was unable to sleep for days at a time, maybe getting two hours a sleep max, or so depressed that I was suicidal for days at a time.  I remembered parts of those several nights of manic psychosis and remembered the misery.  I also laid there thinking about how much fun my children have, how many places I take them because when I’m manic I plan and plan and plan and get very creative.  I also remembered that moment my daughter came to me and told me that she wanted to just stay home today, that she didn’t want to go to all the places because she was tired.  I remember the pain of that loaded statement from my four year old.  I had been told several times that I’m always on the go, but it wasn’t until she said something that it hit me.  And still I continue because I have Bipolar, things don’t just stop when you’re not being treated.  In fact, most of the time I think I’m somewhat ok, now I know I’m not most of the time.  When I have manic psychosis I know that I’m not ok.  I then started thinking about the present, that in just a few short weeks so much can change.  I have accepted my diagnosis of Bipolar 1, and have decided to be treated.  Since starting the medications I have noticed a few changes, I’m not as manic, and not as aggravated or easily angered.  I have had a few days of suicidal thinking, which still scares me and makes me feel guilty at times, makes me feel like how could I be thinking about this when I have such wonderful children and a wonderful husband and a wonderful husband.  I have to remind my self to be gentle with myself, be kind to myself.  I laid there thinking about how my husband hugged this morning and told me he was proud of me.  I thought about my children’s sweet and gentle hugs and kisses.  I laid there in that moment finding some peace in all of this.  Finding the beauty in this messy thing we call life.  Finding the beauty in my Bipolar.  Finding the beauty in motherhood.  Finding the beauty in being a wife.  And all the other things I get to be today.  I laid there thinking about how blessed I am.   I thought about how I can’t wait to see what God had in store for me.  Today I am grateful.

With love,

Me

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