Finding Space.

So. Here we are yet again- or here I am yet again. Finding myself coming back to my blog almost a fully year later. I cannot believe that it’s been that long. In fact, I had to double check to make sure there weren’t any draft posts I accidentally missed, NOPE! It’s actually been almost a year. And here I am… trying to find my space here, trying to write out how I’m honestly feeling, while simultaneously creating a space where others can also relate to the ins and outs of the chaos that is sometimes my mind.

Today I want to tell you something- life isn’t perfect, but it is beautiful and can be wonderful. I have four amazing children – ages 14, 11, 6 & 4- my eldest has serious special needs. I have an amazing husband ( not to mistaken for a perfect husband or perfect relationship ). I have a thriving business that I own. I live in my dream home (mostly). I also have a traumatic past (very much so). And I also have Bipolar 1 Disorder. You may be asking why am I saying all of this? Well, because mental illness doesn’t exclude anyone, and I mean ANYONE. I’ve known about my Bipolar since I was a teenage, however, I until recently (I mean the last couple of years) refused to stay medicated for any period of time. I also didn’t have a full understanding of what Bipolar 1 was or how it effected me truly. All I can say without fully diving into this right now, because that’s an entire other post, is that gosh it’s so worth it to know your diagnosis…. Research it, study it, talk about it. But what I can tell you is that no matter who you are mental illness does not leave anyone out.

I’m currently teetering a very fine line… you guys know (or maybe you don’t) that fine line of possibly becoming manic. You aren’t quite there yet, but you know it could be on the horizon. It’s a line that I HATE walking, I line I dread and pray endlessly to not walk or to simply put be able to walk backwards… or somehow make it to the other side without flying high first. I recently had several triggers that happened that just BAM! Hit me. That dreaded feeling of Oh shit. I may be in trouble. The racing thoughts, the lack of sleep, the missing a dose of medication, the -for me at least- creativity, and there’s a few other things I won’t divulge. But you’re likely starting to understand. I’m not there, but could get there. I’m still taking my meds, I’m still using my coping strategies, but a few things have just been oh, this isn’t right. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband, group of close friends and group of doctors who are all aware of what’s going on. And hopefully we will be able to keep this at bay. This is partially why I’m coming here- as a release. A way to find a space, any space, my space. A way to release the thoughts and a way to relate to others, a way to cope. So I leave this space tonight feeling just the tiniest bit better, the tiniest bit closer to normalcy, to sanity.

Today Is The Day



When I woke up this morning I stirred around for a few minutes in my comfortable bed and said good bye to my husband as he was leaving for work.  I enjoyed some peace and quiet for a few moments.  Really hearing the birds chirping out of our bedroom window.  Feeling the sheets against my skin.  Smelling the coffee, the coffee I needed to make still.  As I laid there, I remembered that I had quite a busy day.  Including a visit with my psychiatrist and a visit with my therapist.  As I laid there thinking about those appointments I started to think about the past, the present and the future.  I started remembering how just a few short weeks ago I was unable to sleep for days at a time, maybe getting two hours a sleep max, or so depressed that I was suicidal for days at a time.  I remembered parts of those several nights of manic psychosis and remembered the misery.  I also laid there thinking about how much fun my children have, how many places I take them because when I’m manic I plan and plan and plan and get very creative.  I also remembered that moment my daughter came to me and told me that she wanted to just stay home today, that she didn’t want to go to all the places because she was tired.  I remember the pain of that loaded statement from my four year old.  I had been told several times that I’m always on the go, but it wasn’t until she said something that it hit me.  And still I continue because I have Bipolar, things don’t just stop when you’re not being treated.  In fact, most of the time I think I’m somewhat ok, now I know I’m not most of the time.  When I have manic psychosis I know that I’m not ok.  I then started thinking about the present, that in just a few short weeks so much can change.  I have accepted my diagnosis of Bipolar 1, and have decided to be treated.  Since starting the medications I have noticed a few changes, I’m not as manic, and not as aggravated or easily angered.  I have had a few days of suicidal thinking, which still scares me and makes me feel guilty at times, makes me feel like how could I be thinking about this when I have such wonderful children and a wonderful husband and a wonderful husband.  I have to remind my self to be gentle with myself, be kind to myself.  I laid there thinking about how my husband hugged this morning and told me he was proud of me.  I thought about my children’s sweet and gentle hugs and kisses.  I laid there in that moment finding some peace in all of this.  Finding the beauty in this messy thing we call life.  Finding the beauty in my Bipolar.  Finding the beauty in motherhood.  Finding the beauty in being a wife.  And all the other things I get to be today.  I laid there thinking about how blessed I am.   I thought about how I can’t wait to see what God had in store for me.  Today I am grateful.

With love,


Today Is A New Day



Today is a new day… As I sit here writing this post, wondering how many people I can help by sharing my story, I am reminded that it is one day at a time.  I am reminded that I should be kind and gentle to myself, as I find this very hard to do.  Recently I as diagnosed again with Bipolar 1.  I say this because I believe that sharing my story, as others have done for me will be good for myself and others to know you are not alone.  I am a mom of two wonderful children who are six and four, and I have a wonderful husband.  Yet, I find myself struggling to be kind to myself.

I’m sitting at a new psychiatrist office shaking and in tears.  I have finally realized that the diagnosis of Bipolar 1 that I have had previously is probably very accurate.  Two days prior I had a manic break.  I got very concerned and paranoid and I locked my husband in our room, I would not allow him to leave.  As he was begging me to please calm down and to let him get some air outside, I stood in front of our door completely driven by fear and delusion.  I was unable to see in that moment how bad things were, yet I knew that it wasn’t normal and that I did not want to be doing what I was doing.  I knew that my husband was terrified and scared for me.  At some point my husband gave up and I waited at the door until he was in bed and asleep, scared and so incredibly anxious I then laid awake in our bed until about 4:00 a.m. thinking about what just happened and some of the things my husband had said to me.  He told me that he was very worried about me, that he has been for some time as he as stated to me before, he begged me to get help.  He had wanted to call 911 that evening, but I wouldn’t allow him to, I took his phone and continued to beg him not to do that, as I knew that I would have to be hospitalized.  I couldn’t help but to feel this deep sense of he is right, as are the other doctors. When he woke the next morning I was already awake.   I apologized deeply, still frantic and thinking about all the things I needed to do that day, and in that moment something hit me.  It was like a wave crashing down on me… I knew that I needed to see my therapist as soon as possible.  I see my therapist weekly, due to child hood experiences.  I called my therapist and requested that I see her immediately.  She got me in that Monday, three weeks ago.  She had been requesting to me for quite some time to see a psychiatrist as I was having suicidal thoughts frequently and manic episodes.  However, I refused to thinking that I had this covered.  This time was different, when I saw her that Monday she told me that I was surrounded by people who loved me and that it was time for me to get extra help, that I had to or she would have to have committed to the hospital for a few days so that I could get the help I needed.  As she said this to me, I said yes, I would go see someone that I wanted to, I didn’t want to live this way anymore.  I also just had these feelings of how can this happen to me, to me, to a mom of to wonderful children, as a wife married to such a great man, to a friend of many friends.  My husband and I just bought a new single family home and we are going to Disney World in June.  I couldn’t understand how this could  happen to me?  How could I have acted this way?  What I soon came to realize was that this had been happening for quite some time.  My husband had been telling me consistently for about a year, that he was concerned about me and begging me to get help, as had my therapist.  The sad truth is that I thought I had this thing beat.  I had been diagnosed three times prior to this with Bipolar 1, but each time was at a point in my life where many things were going wrong and caused many problems.   This time I know, I know that I suffer from Bipolar 1.  I am here to say, that Bipolar 1 or other mental illness does not exclude anyone.  Just as cancer does not exclude anyone.  I am here to say, that this is something people suffer from and that there is help if you are willing to get it.

After seeing the psychiatrist she decided that I should start medications, which I had a hard time hearing.  Still, after  knowing that I need this, it is still no easy pill to swallow.   I am still early in my treatment and I know that there is a long way to go.  Today I have to remind myself that it is one day at a time.  Sometimes even on hour or one minute at a time.  I must remind myself that this is to help me to be the mom I know I am and can be, Be the wife I know I can be, The friend I can be, The daughter I can be, The sister I can be.  I am grateful to my therapist and her help and the psychiatrist.  I am grateful for my family, although I haven’t told everyone in my family yet, and I am so grateful for my husband.  Right now is a very hard time, it is a time of intense sensitivity and change.  It is a time of learning to love myself and accept myself.  I have Bipolar 1, but it does not mean that I have to let it define me.  It’s another piece of the intricate puzzle of who I am.  

With love,