So. Here we are yet again- or here I am yet again. Finding myself coming back to my blog almost a fully year later. I cannot believe that it’s been that long. In fact, I had to double check to make sure there weren’t any draft posts I accidentally missed, NOPE! It’s actually been almost a year. And here I am… trying to find my space here, trying to write out how I’m honestly feeling, while simultaneously creating a space where others can also relate to the ins and outs of the chaos that is sometimes my mind.
Today I want to tell you something- life isn’t perfect, but it is beautiful and can be wonderful. I have four amazing children – ages 14, 11, 6 & 4- my eldest has serious special needs. I have an amazing husband ( not to mistaken for a perfect husband or perfect relationship ). I have a thriving business that I own. I live in my dream home (mostly). I also have a traumatic past (very much so). And I also have Bipolar 1 Disorder. You may be asking why am I saying all of this? Well, because mental illness doesn’t exclude anyone, and I mean ANYONE. I’ve known about my Bipolar since I was a teenage, however, I until recently (I mean the last couple of years) refused to stay medicated for any period of time. I also didn’t have a full understanding of what Bipolar 1 was or how it effected me truly. All I can say without fully diving into this right now, because that’s an entire other post, is that gosh it’s so worth it to know your diagnosis…. Research it, study it, talk about it. But what I can tell you is that no matter who you are mental illness does not leave anyone out.
I’m currently teetering a very fine line… you guys know (or maybe you don’t) that fine line of possibly becoming manic. You aren’t quite there yet, but you know it could be on the horizon. It’s a line that I HATE walking, I line I dread and pray endlessly to not walk or to simply put be able to walk backwards… or somehow make it to the other side without flying high first. I recently had several triggers that happened that just BAM! Hit me. That dreaded feeling of Oh shit. I may be in trouble. The racing thoughts, the lack of sleep, the missing a dose of medication, the -for me at least- creativity, and there’s a few other things I won’t divulge. But you’re likely starting to understand. I’m not there, but could get there. I’m still taking my meds, I’m still using my coping strategies, but a few things have just been oh, this isn’t right. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband, group of close friends and group of doctors who are all aware of what’s going on. And hopefully we will be able to keep this at bay. This is partially why I’m coming here- as a release. A way to find a space, any space, my space. A way to release the thoughts and a way to relate to others, a way to cope. So I leave this space tonight feeling just the tiniest bit better, the tiniest bit closer to normalcy, to sanity.
I guess as you all know we’re still in the midst of this pandemic. Which let me just tell you, has been well…hard. It’s pushed me to levels of many things. But mostly it’s taught me about patience and it’s taught about self care. It’s taught me SO much about self care and how important it is (which let’s be real, I’ve hear it over and over and over), but this has drilled it in for me. Self care is an absolute must for me right now, and while I still find it hard to practice at a level that I actually need (I have four children, run my own business and have a husband) I MUST make time for me. With all that being said, I’ve also found that right now I’ve come find that I also need have acceptance.
What is acceptance?
1. the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered;
2. the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group;
I’ve been finding that when I can have acceptance of, not just my mental illness (I have Bipolar 1), but also the ups and downs that come with it and the uncertainty of it, the medications that come it and the everyday trials and tribulations that come with it, life can be much smoother. I’ve also been coming to terms with my myself and knowing that I can’t do everything. This has been life altering. Admitting that I’m human and I’m only one person, especially amidst the world right now, has made life seem just simpler. Not perfect, or even close to perfect, but simpler. I’ve found over and over in my life that acceptance is the answer for me. To all of my problems, no matter how small or how big they may seem.
This brings me to something else that has been weighing heavily on my mind recently… friends. My friends. I’m so blessed to have be grounded with truly the most amazing women. I’m surrounded by love and trust, and I’m grateful that I’ve created this group of women around me. We lift each other and we lean in and we give to each other. We are the perfect mix of exactly what each of us need and for that I am eternally grateful for. BUT I want to say that part of that is because we created that. Friends are a relationship, so that means it’s work sometimes. And that isn’t always easy. It doesn’t mean we see eye to eye all the time or that we talk every single day. It means that we love each other and we support each other. We help each other and we know each other. My friends know when I need help, and more importantly I know that if I need help I can go to my friends. Accept your friends for who they are. AND love them hard for it. I’m so happy my friends aren’t exactly me, because they honestly balance me out. They give me peace and joy and laughter. They give ME acceptance. Find your friends and love on them hard and let them love on you. Reach out if you need help and be honest with them. Find friends that let you be you and vice versa. Find your friends and love on them hard and let them love on you. Reach out if you need help and be honest with them. Find friends that let you be you and vice versa.
My final thoughts for this post are love yourself and accept yourself. Self acceptance is so hard. I’m finding that the more I can love myself the more I can love others. But I must love myself first. I can’t give what I don’t have. For me it is paramount that my children know self love, that they also know self care. It’s such a valuable lesson, a hard one, but one that I believe is at the top of the list. So today, I’m going to do just that. I’m going to love myself. I’m going to practice self acceptance and acceptance of things around me. I’m going to love myself and hard. I’m going to accept myself. And I’m going to urge you to do the same.