Finding Space.

So. Here we are yet again- or here I am yet again. Finding myself coming back to my blog almost a fully year later. I cannot believe that it’s been that long. In fact, I had to double check to make sure there weren’t any draft posts I accidentally missed, NOPE! It’s actually been almost a year. And here I am… trying to find my space here, trying to write out how I’m honestly feeling, while simultaneously creating a space where others can also relate to the ins and outs of the chaos that is sometimes my mind.

Today I want to tell you something- life isn’t perfect, but it is beautiful and can be wonderful. I have four amazing children – ages 14, 11, 6 & 4- my eldest has serious special needs. I have an amazing husband ( not to mistaken for a perfect husband or perfect relationship ). I have a thriving business that I own. I live in my dream home (mostly). I also have a traumatic past (very much so). And I also have Bipolar 1 Disorder. You may be asking why am I saying all of this? Well, because mental illness doesn’t exclude anyone, and I mean ANYONE. I’ve known about my Bipolar since I was a teenage, however, I until recently (I mean the last couple of years) refused to stay medicated for any period of time. I also didn’t have a full understanding of what Bipolar 1 was or how it effected me truly. All I can say without fully diving into this right now, because that’s an entire other post, is that gosh it’s so worth it to know your diagnosis…. Research it, study it, talk about it. But what I can tell you is that no matter who you are mental illness does not leave anyone out.

I’m currently teetering a very fine line… you guys know (or maybe you don’t) that fine line of possibly becoming manic. You aren’t quite there yet, but you know it could be on the horizon. It’s a line that I HATE walking, I line I dread and pray endlessly to not walk or to simply put be able to walk backwards… or somehow make it to the other side without flying high first. I recently had several triggers that happened that just BAM! Hit me. That dreaded feeling of Oh shit. I may be in trouble. The racing thoughts, the lack of sleep, the missing a dose of medication, the -for me at least- creativity, and there’s a few other things I won’t divulge. But you’re likely starting to understand. I’m not there, but could get there. I’m still taking my meds, I’m still using my coping strategies, but a few things have just been oh, this isn’t right. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband, group of close friends and group of doctors who are all aware of what’s going on. And hopefully we will be able to keep this at bay. This is partially why I’m coming here- as a release. A way to find a space, any space, my space. A way to release the thoughts and a way to relate to others, a way to cope. So I leave this space tonight feeling just the tiniest bit better, the tiniest bit closer to normalcy, to sanity.

Where Do I Begin…Let’s Start With Right Now

I often find myself coming here after it’s been some time and I need a release. I know, or maybe I just wish, it was always that way or maybe it’s even better that it wasn’t always that way. Because it often means that I’ve needed a release for some time before I’ve finally sat down at my computer to actually type something out. I am someone who heals in a few different ways. Nature, this is a big one for me. Photography (though not when it’s the midst of busy season which it is right now) when I can do it just for me. Quiet time, no this isn’t just for children. Prayer & meditation, gosh, I need prayer and I need spirituality. Music, it’s so very good for my soul. Reading and Writing, the escape I get from both is just so good for my heart and my mind.

So. Let’s start with right now. Don’t worry I promise I will catch you all up in the coming days. Right now, well things seem hard. We are still in the middle of a pandemic that people seem to fall to either two sides, you’re really worried or the total opposite. I happen to fall on the very concerned side, meaning we have stayed home for the most part, minus my husband and myself working and a few necessary trips to the store. But we haven’t had playdates or done our normal homeschooling co-ops (we home school two of our children and then two of our children go to public school) or gone to museums (we also live just outside of D.C. and have some of the very best museums) or seen our very best of friends. So life as we know it has been quite different and if I’m honest has had many, many ups and downs. Here’s where I’m right now.

I’m struggling… I am having a very hard time wanting to continue to take my medications. Now. I know, I know. How silly and dangerous. I know from own experience this is absurd. I KNOW that I must stay on my medications, yet here we are. My own mind trying to trick me into why it’s completely absurd for me to stay on my medications. There’s so many reasons why I’ve convinced myself I need to come off of them. Currently, realizing that one of the things I do and love most, one of the things that feeds my soul is likely something I won’t be able to do anymore is so hard to accept and so hard to not blame this illness or my medications. And to be honest, some reasons are maybe a little valid…in the sense of I’m not as creative as when I’m manic… or maybe that the creativity presents itself in a much different way and clearly in a very unhealthy way. And of course I can’t get as much done, because I’m not manic. Which is good. But somewhere inside of me I’ve started to hate that I can’t think that way or have that creative part of me at times. And it’s so incredibly hard not to want it, despite knowing that it’s not healthy. And of course, I’m so grateful for the amazing support team I have, I have the most incredible doctors and therapist and my husband and family are truly amazing. But my goodness, the things your mind can make you think. This is something I’ve always battled and is something I know that is apart of the battle for me and apart of my personal journey. So here I am, right now. Struggling with taking my meds, the ins and outs… every.single.day. There’s so much more to it than that. But that’s for another day. Today, I push forward. Today, I choose to take my meds and to keep on keeping on. Today I will choose me.