Tag: Self care

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Finding Space.

So. Here we are yet again- or here I am yet again. Finding myself coming back to my blog almost a fully year later. I cannot believe that it’s been that long. In fact, I had to double check to make sure there weren’t any draft posts I accidentally missed, NOPE! It’s actually been almost a year. And here I am… trying to find my space here, trying to write out how I’m honestly feeling, while simultaneously creating a space where others can also relate to the ins and outs of the chaos that is sometimes my mind.

Today I want to tell you something- life isn’t perfect, but it is beautiful and can be wonderful. I have four amazing children – ages 14, 11, 6 & 4- my eldest has serious special needs. I have an amazing husband ( not to mistaken for a perfect husband or perfect relationship ). I have a thriving business that I own. I live in my dream home (mostly). I also have a traumatic past (very much so). And I also have Bipolar 1 Disorder. You may be asking why am I saying all of this? Well, because mental illness doesn’t exclude anyone, and I mean ANYONE. I’ve known about my Bipolar since I was a teenage, however, I until recently (I mean the last couple of years) refused to stay medicated for any period of time. I also didn’t have a full understanding of what Bipolar 1 was or how it effected me truly. All I can say without fully diving into this right now, because that’s an entire other post, is that gosh it’s so worth it to know your diagnosis…. Research it, study it, talk about it. But what I can tell you is that no matter who you are mental illness does not leave anyone out.

I’m currently teetering a very fine line… you guys know (or maybe you don’t) that fine line of possibly becoming manic. You aren’t quite there yet, but you know it could be on the horizon. It’s a line that I HATE walking, I line I dread and pray endlessly to not walk or to simply put be able to walk backwards… or somehow make it to the other side without flying high first. I recently had several triggers that happened that just BAM! Hit me. That dreaded feeling of Oh shit. I may be in trouble. The racing thoughts, the lack of sleep, the missing a dose of medication, the -for me at least- creativity, and there’s a few other things I won’t divulge. But you’re likely starting to understand. I’m not there, but could get there. I’m still taking my meds, I’m still using my coping strategies, but a few things have just been oh, this isn’t right. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband, group of close friends and group of doctors who are all aware of what’s going on. And hopefully we will be able to keep this at bay. This is partially why I’m coming here- as a release. A way to find a space, any space, my space. A way to release the thoughts and a way to relate to others, a way to cope. So I leave this space tonight feeling just the tiniest bit better, the tiniest bit closer to normalcy, to sanity.

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What Five Days Of Self Care Did For Me…

Late last year my husband and I, and therapists, both decided that taking a trip each year by ourselves would be something nice. It quickly became something we realized we both really needed to do. With four children, one with special needs, and ranging in age from 12-2 years old, owning my own business and my husband working 70 hours a week things can quickly all start to blur together.

SO. A couple of months ago I talked with my husband about scheduling a trip to California (my mom lives there now, as does a good friend I haven’t seen in years). I decided to fly in early on Wednesday morning and leave late on a Sunday night, putting me back in VA very early in the morning. (Which I will chat a bit about as a red eye flight isn’t super ideal for me anymore) I felt this was perfect for me because it meant I could spend the entire day Wednesday with my mama and I’d get to sped Sunday during the day with my mama and stepdad. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely loved this. I was so grateful my mama also took off work two of the days I was there allowing for just an amazing time together. I had planned prior to coming out that I’d get together with a dear friend of mine on the day my mama ended up working, Thursday. Anyhow, let’s get into what this trip did for me.

1) It helped me to slow down. It showed me that things don’t have to be go, go, go ALL the time. Things can be slow and relaxed and still be good. This is a lesson that comes hard for me. But this trip was so nice in that nothing, absolutely nothing, was a solid yes or no or we HAVE to do it or not. It was just if it’s easy let’s do it. If it’s too much of a hassle let’s skip it. Gosh, how good that was for my soul!

2) It gave me time write with a clear head. If you know me at all, then you know I love to write and read. This time gave me the space to start really writing again and with a clear head. Not only is this extremely healing and therapeutic for me, but it’s something I’m passionate about.

3) I got to spend an entire day doing whatever I wanted. That may not sound like a big deal, but in this house it is a HUGE deal! I was actually able to spend an entire day getting tattoos (yes, that’s right! I have several.), eating with a dear friend and walking the beach. There was no pressure to rush home or worrying about how everyone was holding up while I was gone.

4) It gave me space to miss my dear husband. Now, let me start by saying that one thing about me is that my family is absolutely everything to me. I always miss my husband and my children and I constantly worry about how they’re doing and what else I can do to help them. This trip gave not just myself the space, but them as well. It gave them time together that they otherwise wouldn’t of had and it gave me space to realize it’s ok to not always worry about them constantly. It doesn’t mean I love them any less. And actually, what it did was make me miss them that much more.

5) It made me absolutely realize how important this time to myself is. And how important it is for my husband too. That time where you can just be, that space to clear your head and write, or get your tattoos, or eat an entire meal, like all of it…AND uninterrupted.

So, I know I’ve talked about self care a lot recently. But that’s because it’s SO, SO important. It is also a way to give myself a clear look at me, my mental illness and where I’m at with taking care of myself. My next share will be quite personal. I will talk about a recent event that happened while I was medicated and how it nearly sent me into mania again. I also hope to actually share a picture of myself. I’ve decided that I think it may be time for me to share who I am. There’s no shame in my illness. And I should start acting that way too. Even if it’s scary!

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Self Care; It’s Important

Self Care : the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health;

Sounds simple enough right? Why is it though that the most basic of self care seems to be so hard for most people? I find that we live in a society where self care means so many different things to people. Where parents think self care is going to the grocery after putting all the kids to bed, at 9 P.M., tired, hungry, BUT alone. Where people think staying up until midnight working and trudging along is self care because you’ll get to sleep until 6:15 A.M. instead of 5:45 A.M. When did this become the ‘norm’ for people? Self care means taking time and actions that help ME or YOU. It means really carving out that time for something constructive and good for you!

So. That brings me to this week. I’m currently in California visiting my mama and a friend or two. And I’m by myself. No kids, no hubby. Just so self care, relaxing, time for me. Something my husband and I decided we will do each year at least once is take a few days to ourselves for self care. Because mental health (all health) is that important. As someone living with Bipolar 1 self care is something I absolutely have to be diligent about. So while I ache to see my little ones I know that this time is good, SO good. And I know that it will help me be the best version of me. It also means that I must, even on vacation, be diligent about (yep! you guessed it!) self care. I still need to go to bed on time. I still need sleep, I still need to take my medications, I still need to work out like I normally do (mostly) and I need to be gentle with myself.

This brings me to self care at home. What does that look like for me? It looks like getting plenty of sleep every night. It means checking in with my therapist and my doctors. It means checking in with my support network. It means having some time to myself, doing what I want to do. Be it writing, reading, eating out with a girlfriend, hiking, climbing, my business and photography. It means working out regularly. It means listening to my body and my mind.

Now I ask you to challenge yourself. Are you practicing self care? In constructive way.

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What Is Normal? Funny, right?

I’m sure I’m not the first person to wonder about this. What constitutes normal? What makes one person ‘more normal’ than another person? What does this mean to you and to your own self care?

For me normal is something completely relative to me and my own well being…. in all areas of my life. It means understanding what my life is looking like. Am I sleeping enough? This is a huge one & almost a good indicator of how I’m actually doing. It’s often one of the first things to shift when I’m becoming manic as well. Another I look at is what is my own image of my self? Am I being loving and kind to myself? Or am I being really hard on myself? I hope to find myself on the more loving and kind side of things. But this isn’t always the case. Am I taking my medications? Again, a huge one for me! Am I starting to doubt my medications? If so, this is again a good indicator of something shifting within myself that isn’t generally a good thing. Am I practicing self care? If not, am I willing to change that?

My point is that having Biploar 1 does NOT make me normal or not normal. And everyone’s ‘normal’ is different to them. Everyone has their very own normal, and the way to know if you are within your own normal or needing help if you have a mental illness (or not) is knowing your own base line. AND having a support team…. A tribe that knows you and supports you. A tribe that checks in on you. A tribe that is open and honest with you and will tell you if they’re concerned. I don’t think that is just one ‘normal’, in fact I think there are hundreds of ‘normals’, as we’re all people. Different people, with different personalities, different souls.

Life can be hard and messy. But it can also be beautiful, loving, kind, fun and your own normal. It can be something to love and it can be gentle. So… I ask you. What makes YOU ‘normal’? What does self care look like for you?