Where Do I Begin…Let’s Start With Right Now

I often find myself coming here after it’s been some time and I need a release. I know, or maybe I just wish, it was always that way or maybe it’s even better that it wasn’t always that way. Because it often means that I’ve needed a release for some time before I’ve finally sat down at my computer to actually type something out. I am someone who heals in a few different ways. Nature, this is a big one for me. Photography (though not when it’s the midst of busy season which it is right now) when I can do it just for me. Quiet time, no this isn’t just for children. Prayer & meditation, gosh, I need prayer and I need spirituality. Music, it’s so very good for my soul. Reading and Writing, the escape I get from both is just so good for my heart and my mind.

So. Let’s start with right now. Don’t worry I promise I will catch you all up in the coming days. Right now, well things seem hard. We are still in the middle of a pandemic that people seem to fall to either two sides, you’re really worried or the total opposite. I happen to fall on the very concerned side, meaning we have stayed home for the most part, minus my husband and myself working and a few necessary trips to the store. But we haven’t had playdates or done our normal homeschooling co-ops (we home school two of our children and then two of our children go to public school) or gone to museums (we also live just outside of D.C. and have some of the very best museums) or seen our very best of friends. So life as we know it has been quite different and if I’m honest has had many, many ups and downs. Here’s where I’m right now.

I’m struggling… I am having a very hard time wanting to continue to take my medications. Now. I know, I know. How silly and dangerous. I know from own experience this is absurd. I KNOW that I must stay on my medications, yet here we are. My own mind trying to trick me into why it’s completely absurd for me to stay on my medications. There’s so many reasons why I’ve convinced myself I need to come off of them. Currently, realizing that one of the things I do and love most, one of the things that feeds my soul is likely something I won’t be able to do anymore is so hard to accept and so hard to not blame this illness or my medications. And to be honest, some reasons are maybe a little valid…in the sense of I’m not as creative as when I’m manic… or maybe that the creativity presents itself in a much different way and clearly in a very unhealthy way. And of course I can’t get as much done, because I’m not manic. Which is good. But somewhere inside of me I’ve started to hate that I can’t think that way or have that creative part of me at times. And it’s so incredibly hard not to want it, despite knowing that it’s not healthy. And of course, I’m so grateful for the amazing support team I have, I have the most incredible doctors and therapist and my husband and family are truly amazing. But my goodness, the things your mind can make you think. This is something I’ve always battled and is something I know that is apart of the battle for me and apart of my personal journey. So here I am, right now. Struggling with taking my meds, the ins and outs… every.single.day. There’s so much more to it than that. But that’s for another day. Today, I push forward. Today, I choose to take my meds and to keep on keeping on. Today I will choose me.

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