May 2014 – A Slice of This Bipolar Life

May 14, 2014April 18, 2020

Today Is The Day

When I woke up this morning I stirred around for a few minutes in my comfortable bed and said good bye to my husband as he was leaving for work. I enjoyed some peace and quiet for a few moments. Really hearing the birds chirping out of our bedroom window. Feeling the sheets against my skin. Smelling the coffee, the coffee I needed to make still. As I laid there, I remembered that I had quite a busy day. Including a visit with my psychiatrist and a visit with my therapist. As I laid there thinking about those appointments I started to think about the past, the present and the future. I started remembering how just a few short weeks ago I was unable to sleep for days at a time, maybe getting two hours a sleep max, or so depressed that I was suicidal for days at a time. I remembered parts of those several nights of manic psychosis and remembered the misery. I also laid there thinking about how much fun my children have, how many places I take them because when I’m manic I plan and plan and plan and get very creative. I also remembered that moment my daughter came to me and told me that she wanted to just stay home today, that she didn’t want to go to all the places because she was tired. I remember the pain of that loaded statement from my four year old. I had been told several times that I’m always on the go, but it wasn’t until she said something that it hit me. And still I continue because I have Bipolar, things don’t just stop when you’re not being treated. In fact, most of the time I think I’m somewhat ok, now I know I’m not most of the time. When I have manic psychosis I know that I’m not ok. I then started thinking about the present, that in just a few short weeks so much can change. I have accepted my diagnosis of Bipolar 1, and have decided to be treated. Since starting the medications I have noticed a few changes, I’m not as manic, and not as aggravated or easily angered. I have had a few days of suicidal thinking, which still scares me and makes me feel guilty at times, makes me feel like how could I be thinking about this when I have such wonderful children and a wonderful husband and a wonderful husband. I have to remind my self to be gentle with myself, be kind to myself. I laid there thinking about how my husband hugged this morning and told me he was proud of me. I thought about my children’s sweet and gentle hugs and kisses. I laid there in that moment finding some peace in all of this. Finding the beauty in this messy thing we call life. Finding the beauty in my Bipolar. Finding the beauty in motherhood. Finding the beauty in being a wife. And all the other things I get to be today. I laid there thinking about how blessed I am. I thought about how I can’t wait to see what God had in store for me. Today I am grateful.

With love,

May 10, 2014April 18, 2020

My Beautiful Blessings

As I laid awake last night in my bed, with my husband lying next to me asleep, in the dark with thoughts racing through my head unable to fall asleep I had to remind myself that I had felt suicidal the last three days, despite the beautiful blessings I have in my life. I couldn’t come out of it. Then… yesterday, I woke up energized, ready to conquer the world, ready to take my children to school and get packing as we are in the process of moving, then head out to a girl friends house, then to dinner and had seriously contemplated going out after diner to enjoy the weather. Instead I went out and came home convinced that I should try to sleep as I know that today I had planned a very busy day for us. Heading to what my children call the “airplane park”, then lunch with my mom, then a festival close to my house, then home to do some more packing. My husband and a close friend of mine mentioned to me that I was talking a mile a minute and seemed very happy and was planning a lot. Still, I thought no, this will be great. So, last night I came home instead of going out to enjoy the weather, I walked into the house at 9:07 p.m. Once inside I realized I was too excited to sleep, so I made a small snack, came downstairs and did some work from home. At about 10:15 I went upstairs to take my medicines and to try to lay down. As I lay next to my husband all I could do was lay awake thinking and counting my blessings. Yes, I know I was experiencing mania, but I do have quite a bit to be grateful for. My children are pretty healthy, my son has special needs, but he is happy and doing well in school. My daughter is also doing very well, she is four and wonderful. My marriage is surviving mental illness, which is incredible. My family is supportive, as are my friends. If you had asked me a year ago if I would be dealing with all of this right now, I wouldn’t of believed you. But here I am today dealing with Bipolar 1, willingly getting help. As I laid in bed awake it was hard not to think about that day about 3 weeks ago. I had been manic for about four days and then I broke. I snapped and couldn’t control it. It was an out of body experience. Which I have had before, but this time I could see it a little bit better. I knew I needed help. I am reminded today that I have many many wonderful blessings in my life. Including the willingness to get help for my Bipolar 1. I have to remind myself daily, that this is ok, and accept it piecemeal. It’s hard, some days are harder than others, but it’s doable. I am grateful for the people who continue to remind me that it’s ok. Someone reminded me last night to enjoy this one peaceful moment, even if that means it’s only for 2 seconds or 5 minutes. I struggle to do that. I hope one day I can learn to pause in those moments. Right now I am grateful for my beautiful blessings.

With love,

May 9, 2014April 18, 2020

Today Is A New Day

Today is a new day… As I sit here writing this post, wondering how many people I can help by sharing my story, I am reminded that it is one day at a time. I am reminded that I should be kind and gentle to myself, as I find this very hard to do. Recently I as diagnosed again with Bipolar 1. I say this because I believe that sharing my story, as others have done for me will be good for myself and others to know you are not alone. I am a mom of two wonderful children who are six and four, and I have a wonderful husband. Yet, I find myself struggling to be kind to myself.

I’m sitting at a new psychiatrist office shaking and in tears. I have finally realized that the diagnosis of Bipolar 1 that I have had previously is probably very accurate. Two days prior I had a manic break. I got very concerned and paranoid and I locked my husband in our room, I would not allow him to leave. As he was begging me to please calm down and to let him get some air outside, I stood in front of our door completely driven by fear and delusion. I was unable to see in that moment how bad things were, yet I knew that it wasn’t normal and that I did not want to be doing what I was doing. I knew that my husband was terrified and scared for me. At some point my husband gave up and I waited at the door until he was in bed and asleep, scared and so incredibly anxious I then laid awake in our bed until about 4:00 a.m. thinking about what just happened and some of the things my husband had said to me. He told me that he was very worried about me, that he has been for some time as he as stated to me before, he begged me to get help. He had wanted to call 911 that evening, but I wouldn’t allow him to, I took his phone and continued to beg him not to do that, as I knew that I would have to be hospitalized. I couldn’t help but to feel this deep sense of he is right, as are the other doctors. When he woke the next morning I was already awake. I apologized deeply, still frantic and thinking about all the things I needed to do that day, and in that moment something hit me. It was like a wave crashing down on me… I knew that I needed to see my therapist as soon as possible. I see my therapist weekly, due to child hood experiences. I called my therapist and requested that I see her immediately. She got me in that Monday, three weeks ago. She had been requesting to me for quite some time to see a psychiatrist as I was having suicidal thoughts frequently and manic episodes. However, I refused to thinking that I had this covered. This time was different, when I saw her that Monday she told me that I was surrounded by people who loved me and that it was time for me to get extra help, that I had to or she would have to have committed to the hospital for a few days so that I could get the help I needed. As she said this to me, I said yes, I would go see someone that I wanted to, I didn’t want to live this way anymore. I also just had these feelings of how can this happen to me, to me, to a mom of to wonderful children, as a wife married to such a great man, to a friend of many friends. My husband and I just bought a new single family home and we are going to Disney World in June. I couldn’t understand how this could happen to me? How could I have acted this way? What I soon came to realize was that this had been happening for quite some time. My husband had been telling me consistently for about a year, that he was concerned about me and begging me to get help, as had my therapist. The sad truth is that I thought I had this thing beat. I had been diagnosed three times prior to this with Bipolar 1, but each time was at a point in my life where many things were going wrong and caused many problems. This time I know, I know that I suffer from Bipolar 1. I am here to say, that Bipolar 1 or other mental illness does not exclude anyone. Just as cancer does not exclude anyone. I am here to say, that this is something people suffer from and that there is help if you are willing to get it.

After seeing the psychiatrist she decided that I should start medications, which I had a hard time hearing. Still, after knowing that I need this, it is still no easy pill to swallow. I am still early in my treatment and I know that there is a long way to go. Today I have to remind myself that it is one day at a time. Sometimes even on hour or one minute at a time. I must remind myself that this is to help me to be the mom I know I am and can be, Be the wife I know I can be, The friend I can be, The daughter I can be, The sister I can be. I am grateful to my therapist and her help and the psychiatrist. I am grateful for my family, although I haven’t told everyone in my family yet, and I am so grateful for my husband. Right now is a very hard time, it is a time of intense sensitivity and change. It is a time of learning to love myself and accept myself. I have Bipolar 1, but it does not mean that I have to let it define me. It’s another piece of the intricate puzzle of who I am.

With love,